Class Ep Zero: Definitely Canon Adventures
by Gallifrey Immigrant
Summary: First thing you need to know before reading: all Tanya really wanted was a good study session. Second thing you need to know: April was never gonna kill any kids. She was just being threatening. Third thing: the universe hates Ramesh Singh. (Crackfic).
1. Chapter 1

Tanya found Charlie on the phone. He was staring at it like it had wronged him, and there was some sort of guttural language coming from it.

"Listen, giving up your entire race isn't too bad. It's a free deal. I get a whole new set of bodies for my people, and you get to know you contributed to a good cause. Namely, mine," said Charlie.

"ARTT UIKOY ZEZEK!" screamed the voice on the other line.

"Okay, if you're gonna use that sort of language, our business is done here," retorted Charlie, who hung up the phone. A rotary phone, actually. Charlie had acquired it from a junkyard, and demanded that he be allowed to keep it. Miss Quill hadn't objected, though of course she thought it was silly.

"What exactly were you doing?" asked Tanya. Charlie jumped, and gave her a sheepish grin. It looked almost guilty.

"Just handling some busy-ness," said Charlie. He delivered his best "I'm-not-being-naughty" smile. He adjusted his shirt, and tried to walk away from Tanya. Probably trying to avoid extra questions.

Tanya caught Charlie's arm, and glared at him intently.

"It sounded like you were trying to get someone to deliver their entire race for your benefit," said Tanya. She made her eyes squint up, trying to look extra-judgey.

"Really? Wow, Tanya. Because that was exactly what I was doing," said Charlie flatly.

Before Tanya could reply, Matteuz walked into the room. He had his signature look of being utterly cool, and wore a shirt that said "I'm definitely not Polish" on the front and back. Charlie stared at him like salvation, and jumped to him, smooching his boyfriend instantly.

"Please let's have sex or something. Anything to get me away from Tanya. Anything," said Charlie.

"Matteuz promised that we would study today. April needs help with physics, and we all need time to cry about Quill's tests," said Tanya.

Matteuz looked at Charlie, then Tanya, then shrugged, and tore Charlie's shirt off.

"I'll catch up with you later," lied Matteuz.

Tanya was soon in front of April's house. She was worried about April. Out of all the students, April was the one with the most long-lasting effects of the alien incursions. She was the one with an alien living in her heart, and unlike the others, April braved it all with a cool face. The girl had started acting oddly recently, and whether that was because of seeing her father before, or just trying not to worry the others, Tanya couldn't be sure.

April soon walked out the door. She was dressed in a nice blue jacket, and hugged Tanya tightly. Tanya instantly felt better about her day. That was just what being around April did to you. She was sweet, to an almost sickening level.

"Where's Charlie?" asked April.

"He's with Matteuz. Doing, well, you know," said Tanya, giggling.

"Ah, well then, we're just gonna have to pick up Ram. Minions, come on!" said April. Her eyes glowed red, and she beckoned from the door. An army of children marched out of her house, all in file.

"Do we really have to go? I have maths homework to do!" whined a child. He looked about six or seven, and seemed rather shy.

"Um, April," started Tanya.

April walked slowly up to the little boy. Her smile was as sweet as ever, but her eyes were glowing red.

"Excuse me, soldier. Did you say something? I thought I heard a complaint. Do you know what the Shadowkin does to soldiers who complain?" asked April.

"Ooh! I know! We kill the traitors! WE KILL THEM!" said another girl. She looked about five, with a small short haircut, and purple overalls.

"Um, April," started Tanya again.

April looked back, and said in an irritated tone "What?"

"Are you sure you're not being affected by Corakinus?" said Tanya.

"No," said April firmly.

She looked back at the group of child soldiers, staring at her.

"Er, of course not," said April. She pursed her lips, and then waved the children away.

"We can go home?" asked the whining child.

"For now," said April.

In the blink of an eye, the rabble of children had disappeared. Only the little girl who screamed out "WE KILL THEM" was left. She tugged on April's sleeve, with a forlorn expression on her face.

"You can hang out with me, if you like, Zoe" said April. She grinned at the little girl, who smiled back.

Tanya stared at this, and opened her mouth, then closed it. Part of her wanted to point out how annoying it was that the lily-white April had chosen mostly non-white children as her soldiers, and how problematic it was. Part of her was concerned about how her pacifistic friend was gathering an army, and wondering just how much of April's heart was intact. Part of her wanted to just go home and watch Youtube vids.

But, Tanya instead said "Cool. Your new friend can come along. I mean, like, what the hell?"

Zoe said "My king, your friend doesn't seem very articulate."

Tanya didn't quite know how to respond to that, so she said "Let's go find your boyfriend."

"You've got a boyfriend? Sounds like a waste of time," said Zoe.

"You'll understand when you're older," said April.

"No, I won't" claimed Zoe proudly. Tanya was already starting to like her.

A few minutes later, April and Tanya were staring dumbfounded at Ram's house.

"Is Ram's house's always full of holes in the walls and scorch marks?" asked Zoe.


	2. Chapter 2

Ram didn't quite know how this had happenned. It had been a normal day, in a normal home, with a normal list.

-Wake Up

-Practice for Sports

-Screw Up At Practice

-Scream At Stupid Leg

-Practice Some More

-Sleep

-Get Ready for Study

-Go to Study

-(If lucky) Get some private time with girlfriend April for… "private studies"

-Hope that Tanya explains everything without too much nerd speak

-Go home

-Practice Some More

-Thank a deity for no alien weirdness or (Alternatively) curse a deity for alien weirdness

-Sleep

It was a solid schedule. Ram liked steady schedules. After the turmoil of losing Rachel, losing his leg, and fighting alien activity, Ram really liked steady schedules. And somehow, Ram just knew today was gonna be a good day. He jumped out the door, ready for practice. As he kicked his ball around, he allowed himself to relax. Although he had gone through a lot these past few months, not everything was bad. He'd gotten April, after all, and though he felt a little guilty about it, she made losing Rachel not hurt so much. He wasn't sure if she really knew how much he loved her.

As he was busy daydreaming, he heard something crunch underneath his foot. He looked down, to see a small UFO toy in pieces. Frowning, he picked it up. It looked like a really sleek toy, but Ram couldn't see any kids around. Ram shrugged, and threw it somewhere in the distance.

For a minute, Ram thought he heard something say "NOOOO!" But it was a faint sound, and Ram soon forgot about it. After going through his usual "scream at his leg, then practice some more" regiment, he went back in his house to sleep. He didn't even notice that the toy had moved.

Three hours later, Ram woke up to loud banging from the door. After nearly falling off the bed, Ram scrambled to the door.

"Wait a minute," said Ram. Was it the rest of the gang? No one ever knocked on his door like that. It reminded Ram of police.

"Who is it?" asked Ram.

"We are the Judoon. You have illegally attacked a new tourist to this planet. You shall be tried for crimes against the Shadow Proclamation," said the mysterious person.

Ram paused for a minute, thinking if the words were supposed to make sense to him.

"Mate, I think you've got the wrong guy," said Ram.

His door was blasted open. Three Judoon were standing, with large guns.

"No, Ramesh Singh. I think we do not," said one of the rhinoceroses.

It took Charlie several minutes to get to the phone, mostly because his boyfriend still wanted to use Charlie's mouth to other purposes. After much struggle, Charlie found the rotary phone, and said hello.

"Charlie! You've got to help me! Walking rhinoceroses are coming after me. They have guns!" screamed Ram.

"Have you tried calling the police?" offered Charlie. April had told Charlie that calling the police was what you were supposed to do in situations of non-alien danger, and rhinoceroses were from Earth, so Charlie wasn't sure why Ram started calling him "A dumb posh alien!"

"What's wrong?" asked Matteuz. After Charlie explained the situation, Matteuz frowned.

"We should go help him," said Matteuz. "Rhinocerosi do not walk. Or carry guns. This means alien trouble."

"He hung up on me, though," said Charlie, looking faintly hurt. After a pause, he snapped out of it, and steel returned to his eyes. He started placing his shirt on, and texting.

"I assume we'll return to our fun some other time?" said Matteuz.

"Of course. But for now, our friends need help. I can't sit by and wait, while Ram is in mortal—wait. I can't bring the rotary phone with me, can I?" asked Charlie.

"No. It is not like cell phone," said Matteuz.

"Oh. What a pity," said Charlie.


	3. Chapter 3

A giant spaceship flew overhead. It took a moment from Miss Quill to recognize it, because she just wasn't used to seeing that sort of thing.

"Odd," said Miss Quill to herself. After a mental review of her schedule, she decided to check it out. It took some concentration, but she eventually tracked down the craft.

One of the first things she noticed was how large it was. It was about the size of a elderly Quill, who could grow to about 10 feet high. The designs on it reminded her of the Arkiath species, a group of trader species that the Quill had slaughtered some time before Miss Quill was born. The doorway, about half Quill's height, opened up with a slick squelching sound. Out slithered what looked like a giant mole rat, but with spines on its front and back, as well as tentacles on its lower half. The creature blinked, and pointed at Miss Quill.

"Do you know Ramesh Singh?" asked the giant mole rat.

"If I do, what do I get out of letting you know?" asked Miss Quill.

"About 2,000,000 werts," said the giant mole rat. (A wert is worth about 4 American dollars.)

"Oh, then you have no idea how well I know him," said Miss Quill.

The giant mole rat, whose actual name is Rithia, was not the only one looking for Ram. April and Tanya were also looking for Ram.

"Is it the Shadowkin? Maybe they've decided to take revenge?" said April. Her eyes were glowing red, and shadows were oozing out of her hands, like the shadow blades were itching to come out.

"Probably not. You would have felt it right?" asked Tanya.

"Yeah, but maybe not. And who knows how long ago Ram was attacked!" said April.

"Around 37 minutes, 23 seconds...sorry, can't be anymore accurate than that," said Zoe.

"Um, okay. How do you know that?" asked Tanya, laughing.

"It's obvious. Based on the residue from the scorch marks, the number of animal barks in the surrounding area (indicating that the birds felt comfortable enough to return), and the look of the footprints, I calculated it couldn't be more than a half-hour. Add the 7 minutes and 23 (now 65) seconds of us walking, and voila! Also, there were 3 attacking guys, and 1 guy running away. The attacking guys are either heavy or really fat, and use pew-pew weapons," said Zoe.

"Oh. That's rather smart of you," said Tanya.

"I know. It's because I'm a genius," said Zoe, smiling widely.

"Do you have any idea where he might be?" asked April

"I think he's in that flower bush," said Zoe.

"Why would you think that?" said Tanya. To April, Tanya sounded almost annoyed.

"Because a man in that flower bush is waving at us," said Zoe.

Indeed, Ram Singh was hiding under some flowers. Usually, April would laugh, but right now, she was just happy to see her boyfriend alive.

"Was it the Shadowkin?" said April. She could hear the battle pulse of the Shadowkin rushing through her. If Corakinus had hurt her lover, there would be hell to pay.

Ram's eyes were wide with terror. He slowly shook his head.

"Worse. It was walking, talking rhinoceroses with large guns that shoot out lasers," said Ram.

There was a short pause. April looked at Ram, and realized he was absolutely serious.

"So, the thing that terrified you was a talking rhino?" said Tanya.

"Rhinos. With guns. They wanted to arrest me for offending a tourist, or something. And, you know, I wasn't terrified. Just startled," said Ram, standing up straight and brushing dirt off himself.

"You should get a new concubine, King. This one's very dull," said Zoe.

"Do you even know what that word means?" asked Tanya.

"Sure I do. I'm just not going to tell you, because, um, you wouldn't understand its complexities," said Zoe.

"Who is that girl?" asked Ram.

Zoe held out her hand, and said "I am a servant of April, the Shadow King, and I will help her conquer-"

"She's a friend of mine. Anyway, we need to find Charlie and Miss Quill. Maybe they know what's going on," said April.

"About what?" said a familiar voice. April turned around, to see Miss Quill standing there. Bizarrely, Miss Quill was smiling. Not the half-smirk she usually carried, but an actual grin. Quill's hands were behind her back, as she walked slowly to the group.

"Ram was attacked by an alien. Apparently, he attacked a tourist," said Tanya.

"Accused of attacking a tourist. He didn't do it," said April. She turned back to look at Ram, who gave an "as if" look.

"Can you help us?" asked Tanya.

"Yes!" said Miss Quill, smiling widely. She ran over to Ram, and grabbed him into her arms. She looked him up and down, and nodded slowly.

"I am taking this young man to a safe place. When you see him next, he'll be perfectly happy. I always take care of my students," said Miss Quill, tousling Ram's hair.

"Not really," mutterred Tanya. Miss Quill's eyes flared, as if she was ready to fire back an insult. But then the teacher's face returned to a smile, and she said nothing.

"Wait. Why are you being so helpful?" asked Ram.

"Why wouldn't I be?" asked Miss Quill.

"Because you dislike all your students," said Tanya. April and Ram nodded their agreement.

Miss Quill opened her mouth to disagree, and then shrugged.

"Yeah, you're right, though I dislike your little group the least. Well, there's goes being subtle," said Miss Quill, who whistled. From the bushes came two giant mole rats, each carrying a large blade, each with a mass of tentacles instead of legs.

"What's going on?" said Ram.

"I've been offered some money, in return for a deal. The original deal required you to die, Ram," said Miss Quill.

"What?" said Ram, trying to get out of Miss Quill's grip, and finding out that she was stronger than she looked.

"Don't worry. I convinced them not to kill you. Wouldn't really be a good teacher if I allowed that," said Miss Quill.

"Oh. Thanks," said Ram, who stopped struggling.

Miss Quill gave a bone-chilling shark grin, and said "All they're going to do now is cut off your alien-tech leg."

"WHAT?" asked Ram.

The middle mole rat swung his cleaver in Ram's direction, clearly ready to get to work.

Before the rat could get any closer, April ran toward the three butchers, shadow swords in tow.

"If you lay a hand on my boyfriend, I will skewer you so hard, your mothers will cry at the thought of you," said April.

The butchers looked at Miss Quill, who shrugged.

"April, don't," said Ram, struggling to get out of Miss Quill's grasp.

"It won't even hurt. Just one snip, and then only a few screams. I'll even share the 8,000,000 dollar award with you," said Miss Quill.

"Seriously? 8 million?" said Ram.

April ignored both of them. She was blocking the blows of the three butchers. April carried the battle knowledge of Corakinus, a warrior who had never been defeated, until April had battled him. These butchers, on the other hand, weren't used to war, and kept on leaving easy openings for April to use. However, these butchers did have both better bulk, and better speed, and didn't really seem to feel pain.

"Why won't you just die?" said April, as she cut tentacle after tentacle off.

"Miss April, I really wouldn't do that," said Miss Quill.

Green blood covered April's swords, face, and clothes. Her eyes were glowing red, and a dark smile crept onto her face.

"Do you think today is a day to lecture me, teacher?" asked April.

"Sorry. I just wanted to point out. That species' tentacles are like hydra's heads—cut one off, and well..." said Miss Quill.

"April, behind you!" said Tanya, who had been hiding with Zoe in the flower patch.

April turned, and saw 7 more tentacled mole rats. One piece of tentacle was growing, wriggling, and beginning to reform into its own mole rat.

"You have got to be kidding me," said April.

Ram suddenly pointed at something behind April.

"Ram, it would help if you just told me what was behind me, instead of pointing," said April.

April felt a gun at her head. She slowly turned around, to see a rhinoceros, upright on its hindlegs, pointing a gun at her.

"Put down your weapons, hybrid. We are here to arrest Ramesh Singh, by the order of the Shadow Proclamation. Do not interfere," said the rhinoceros.

"See! Talking rhinoceroses!" said Ram.

"Oh. This might be an issue," said Miss Quill.


End file.
